Monday, August 30, 2010

out of head onto paper

Let's see.. if I let all these thoughts flowing around swirly in my head, let them out? see what happens...

1st swirly thought today -
What you get out is what you put in/ reap what you sow/ give & receive etc... If you tell someone they are rotten, guess how they will behave? If you talk down to someone always, why would they strive to rise? If you want to know why someone is behaving in a certain way, yelling will not get you an answer. If you want to be treated with respect, you must treat others with respect. If there is a problem, especially with children, we must emulate proper behaviour AND as we are only human, if we "mess" up and show inappropriate behaviour, as we all will at some point, then we need to explain and/or apologize to our children and explain what proper behaviour would be. Our challenges are a bigger lesson for our kids than our easy days. If your having a problem with your child, in my opinion you need first to look at your own behaviour, and ask yourself what you are teaching!

2nd swirly topic -
So proud of myself! Took 1.5 hours this morning but I successfully removed a virus from my computer! Patiently, didn't swear one time, explained to Jordan what I was doing as I went!

Same topic - can't stop being choked that I had to remove virus this morning... it was supposed to be gone when I got up this morning. Seems fair that the person who presses the button allowing the virus to enter should be the one removing it.. However...

I will choose to take this a victory for me.. and allow the negative to leave.
I am a champion, not a victim! Woo Hoo!

3rd swirly topic -
Balance! Maintaining balance. I have such grand ideas every Sunday night/Monday AM, such balance I'll acheive with Jordan.. we'll work/chores/learn/play/clean/walk etc etc.. but then the day starts.. today's day began with him and his dad fighting at my door at 7 AM. My understanding and confidence in my day begins deflating at that point. "damage control" "raise self esteem" shine like lights in my head..I know already, I can't "push" him to complete today... today's balance will be about boosting self esteem, talking about problems, learning to talk to someone your disagreeing with.. and I'll have to be okay if we don't do math pages. Again.

My inner teacher says I must /must/MUST do more academic work.. My SELF says... "If we teach him math, but not how to deal with the world, he'll be a smart adult, all alone in his room playing video games" If he is confident, able to speak and interact in the world, with peers, with those who can teach him in life, if he can handle insults at 7 AM, not internalize that crap, and still face the day with a smile.. then he'll get math later won't he?

Last swirly topic
LOL - pretty much the same as above.... dealing with the various people in our lives can be very difficult. I need to remember more often, that these people are all in my life to teach me a lesson, sometimes that lesson is easy to see, sometimes not so much. Sometimes the reward is small... sometimes the reward is the most love I could ever imagaine possible.. Thank you Jordan, for making it ALL worthwhile.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

I understand.

The phone rings and I pick it up.

The caller is a person I have a lot of history with, most of it is not great history. Most of our calls are not "fun" Yet, we have them often.

But, I did pick up.

I regretted it pretty quickly, as familiar words began coming thru the phone, and I began inching it farther from my ear. It was blame, blaming the world, and everyone but self. My back got stiff, and I zoned out.

I was already caught in a pattern I don't like.

It came to me that this person was upset, and was reaching out the only way that worked in their experience. It was a person who was hurting.

I read recently, that the best listening words are "I understand" So, I said it.

"I understand... that must be rough"

I'm amazed and grateful that it changed it all.

Because, first it was true. it was a rough situation to deal with, and I wasn't admitting that before because I didn't want to jump into this loop we always got in. I had been unsure of anything I could say, that would not drag me further in, or begin an argument. So the person was alone on one end of the phone, letting it out, and i was a wall.

Until I said I understand. I don't have to understand or agree with everything. I can understand that some things are emotionally rough.
Now on the other end of the line, is a person who is not alone, and feels better, and can calm down.. can see solutions.. hear solutioins with a calmer, clearer head.

I leave the phone, not angry, which is uncommon. I leave the phone wiser than I was when I answered. I understand!

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Random - bus experience

Jordan and I were waiting for the bus to Granville Island, outside the Waterfront Station. We're both pretty anal about being away from smoke, and standing right under the no smoking sign. He's telling me all about Mario, I'm "uhuh"ing and looking around. And yes, I'm also scowling slightly at anyone who might be smoking closer that I percieve the minimum 6 meteres from the door to be.

Scanning.. "uhuh"ing, watching for the bus, scanning.."hmm. i know that face"

Very strange to see someone you have known ... know? a homeless person.

Bruce..? He is looking around the area, pocketing butts. It is him. I'm pretty sure. He was my friend Laura's boyfriend, for a while, (15 yrs ago) in Kamloops. He had a house downtown and there were many fun parties there. I remember hearing he'd gotten a bit out of control. Hmmm..

I see homeless drug addicts all the time.

This is a homeless person named Bruce who used to throw parties and date a cool chick named Laura who is a mom who owns a restaurant,who introduced me to jaime who I'm still friends with.. We're connected. Me and him.

A day later I sit here and think about it. I did not say Hello. I did not turn away from him, I did hope if he did look up he would not know me. I think the universe was happy with what it laid out. I saw. I think.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Growth is not always invetiable

Seeds waiting to grow. Some are taken by the wind... landing haphazardely in the parking lot, wanting to grow.. lamenting their fate.. "Why couldn't you have dropped me in soil"

A small breeze picks up a seed drops it in the boulevard.. and it cries. " But this soil is dry! Why couldn't you have dropped me in moist soil"

Another swooping by, comments... " i'm on my way to the lake!" and as it's dropped in the drink,it complains " oh.. it will take forever for me to float to the dry land.. I'll never grow here"

A seed in the parking lot alone. Someone walks by, the whispers of air shuffle it a few feet.. the next shuffle it a few more feet. It holds itself in tight, waits for the conditions to be right, it waits patiently, quietly. No complaints. It sees the dirt, knows it can get there, it knows that it has to be the one to surf the waves of use the opportunities coming it's way to get what it wants. If it wants to grow, it cannot wait for conditions to be right, it cannot wait for someone else to do it for him.

Too many times in life, we wait for the opportunities to come our way. We want things perfect before we proceed. You must be the one who takes control of your life. You cannot blame or look for fault in the world around you, You must change what you want changed. Waiting for conditions to be right, staying in one place, stagnant.. crying .. "if only.. he would/ if only she would" .... Will get you no where.

Take control today.